This one was just something that came quick and will probably be revised a time or two. I'm so ready to be done with this life and ready to catch that train to hell.

This was the first poem I ever wrote. When I go back and read this now, not only does it still take me to the darkest place ever, but it reflects on how I feel now about someone else who hurt me.

I obviously fail at this too. I didn't realize how much needed to be done. I'm sure most who do this get right to it. Unfortunately, I'm to OCD for that. I want to make sure all things are accounted for. So here is an updated "bucket list".......

Here is a Day 2 and 3 recap because I time got away from me (from what I remember lol). Day 2 was very much a serious day of reflection of what I want and how to go. So because of the pondering I didn't get a lot of tasks done. Day 3 was more of a emotional depressing sort of day (Lots of anger and crying). I went through every pic on my phone and started trying to finish sending pics to certain people I knew didn't have them and might (who knows). I also made a really good playlist and listened all day to it with. Then when its one I'll share it as like a parting gift. I'm hoping to get all tasks done, Because I don't like leaving stuff "on the table" so to speak. Then I got really drunk on day 3 and everything else is a haze after that.

It's pretty simple nd in just one word....PEACE

I simply can't exist in a life like this anymore. No matter how hard I try, love, be a good human and all that makes for a good life, I simply cant have or will ever have. All I feel is nothing but hurt, loss, depression, sadness and the vast spectrum of loneliness. Its time to face facts, I'm NOT meant to have any peace, love or happiness. This last few days has proven the fact and driven the point home, IM NOT MEANT TO BE HERE.

Today is definitely a "dark" day. The only way I know to describe it is being literally under water and I cant get to the surface to take a breath (hence the title), All I ever do is find myself in the cycle where all i do is question why the fuck am I even here? I'm no good to anyone, I wreck everything I touch and the is no ROI (return on investment) for my fucking life. I mean just a short time ago, I was living in great moments and was happy I thought. I was getting in great training, work was dumb but clients were fun and I was in love with someone. Now here I am again, fucked (mostly by my own doing I acknowledge that), and just in an utter heap of shit with no way out. It's like I'm only on this earth meant to suffer and fucked. And it seems like all anyone wants is me to "suck it up" or "get over it" and just be happy. Really? It's not that fucking simple. I cant just snap my fingers and be chipper. Then I get told medication, medication, medication. Jesus that seems like they just want me compliant and docile and to be a zombie, because that how I feel when I'm medicated. That's no life either just to go through it being a emotionless zombie and hoping that one day they find the right mix and dosages. Fuck if Drs. cant get it exact, how the fuck am I suppose to navigate shit?

Weird title I know but follow me here. Today gave me some serious insights into those three words. I wanted to pick two things from the relationship that always bothered me, whether it was during the relationship, or during the fallout or both. So here are those two things:

If you woke up tomorrow and had a second chance at one thing, would you take it? This would make an interesting survey. I'm not sure how most people feel, but for me, I'd like to think I would accept it and try to do it right. There are tons of moments in life where we would love a "do over" to make it right, or to come away from it for the better. I have one in my mind I'd like to redo or change the outcome. But here is a more interesting question, what if not getting a second chance was not only a learning lesson to do better on your end, but to also save you from something more fucked up down the road? Here is an example, say you get the do over and you do it not only right but better, but it ends up following through the same way or worse? To me that would be crippling to my soul, while at the same time showing me that all moments when it comes to relationships are two sided, and even if you control and fix one side, the other side will still be fucked the same if not worse. In my experience, second chances are rare. I know I've never had any, no matter how bad I would like one, It's just not a tangible thing. Like a dream of something you reach for that's always out of your grasp. That's where the idea of this poem came from. It's a grand dream that in reality either doesn't exist or never turns out the way we want. But who really knows, maybe it's the Vodka talking lol.

The Therapist I started seeing made a comment last week that i seem to have a talent for writing (as far a theme and structure, not grammar lol). And he thinks that I might have a lot to say and if I write it, it'll make it less awkward as I don't like sharing shit. I used to do a blog for my supplement company, so I'm familiar with how to do it, so why the fuck not. He thinks that I post/write enough, maybe I'll see the good will outweigh the bad. Nobody will probably ever read it, but if they do that's fine, I guess. Most of these I pulled from my journal so kept the dates written originally.

I have thought about this a lot. If I was to commit suicide, I would like to think I would want everyone to understand why I did it and what I was feeling. I've told people in the past when I was hurting, and it was always be dismissed or i was an "attention seeker". Then the time I actually tried it, I was selfish and why didn't I reach out for help? Are you fucking kidding me? Make up your mind for Christs sake. So over the last few weeks I thought to just leave a note. But what would I communicate in that note? So below is probably what I would say to my family and friends. Not saying it's right, but it's what is in my brain. I'm sure I'll add or change some of this, as this is what I'm currently thinking/feeling in the moment.

Last night I was drinking coffee and at a little cool shop. Then a song I haven't heard in forever came across my earbuds. It was a song called Runaway train by Soul Asylum. Man, I forgot how cool that song was and fits my situation and my whole life perfectly. I'll share lyrics and video below. Not my words, but fuck it hits my heart.